50 Questions: Adulting as Faculty

So many questions...

1. Have you checked your spam folder?
2. What about your institutional spam folder?
3. What about the invisible-to-you institutional spam folder?
4. Have you released the possibly important messages?
5. What about the ones asking you to do things for the discipline?
6. Or the ones from the listserve you subscribe to?
7. Have you deleted the older messages?
8. No, we can’t let you delete more than 50 messages at a time. Try again.
9. Have you saved the messages you’ll need three months from now? What about the ones that are in the “maybe” category?
10. Did you back up the email chain for your advisee?
11. Have you reviewed their progress toward degree?
12. Did you write the student?
13. Did you copy the dean?
14. Did you send them a reminder about their appointment? Don’t you want them to graduate?
15. Have you backed up your computer recently?
16. Have you enabled the institutional cloud backup?
17. Why not?
18. What do you mean it bricks your computer?
19. Have you written to IT about that?
20. Did you copy the proper Associate Dean?
21. Did you give documentation?
22. Have you checked your phone messages? Yes, your office has been assigned a phone number. No, we haven’t assigned you a telephone.
23. Have you checked your computer file where we put such messages?
24. How do expect to recruit students if you don’t check messages on your nonexistent phone?
25. Have you updated your C.V. recently?
26. Did you remember to include the peer review stint last week?
27. Did you give the journal ISSN?
28. Has that populated through to your online CV?
29. How are we supposed to establish a reputation if you don’t share your work? No, we can’t just let you submit a PDF. You need to retype that information in our form. No, we can’t accommodate umlauts. No, it’s not set up for italics. No, we don’t have a category for that. Put it under “Other.”
30. Have you submitted your mid-semester grades?
31. Have you met with any delinquent student?
32. Why not?
33. No, Zooming the sick ones into class isn’t allowable. Yes, it used to be required. No, we can’t explain our policy. Why do you ask?
34. Have you uploaded your material to the LMS?
35. Is any of that material copyrighted?
36. Not by you, by real copyright holders?
37. Did you pay the fees? Did you charge the students? Of course we understand that you thought that use was covered by the library agreements. Have you always been an optimist?
38. Have you planned next year’s classes?
39. Did you submit the times and rooms?
40. Those rooms aren’t available, now where do you want it?
41. Main campus isn’t available, now where do you want it?
42. What do you mean the students won’t fit in the room? Have you considered a rotating attendance policy?
43. Yes we know that it has passed curricular review. No, it’s not ready to show in the system. Don’t you think the staff have enough to do?
44. Have you filled out your institutional satisfaction survey?
45. What did you say?
46. Privacy is so 1990s. Let us know how we can help you. We see that you haven’t yet responded.
47. Have you published anything this year? Was it a book? Then why are you bothering us about it?
48. Have you responded to the committee meeting-time poll yet? Which committee? What do you mean?
49. Have you backed up your computer yet? This is your second warning.
    We can’t be accountable for any glitches in that process. It worked perfectly for another faculty member on another system altogether.
50. Do you still feel valued?